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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28687329">Saying "I love you" when it's too late</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Temporary Character Death, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Maybe a whole 50 EQ, but he does more introspection than usual</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:14:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,006</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28687329</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dean had plenty of fuckups in his life. This, however, was the most spectacular. "<br/>•<br/>Takes place immediately after 15x18. Dean sits alone, and processes everything that just happened.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Saying "I love you" when it's too late</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean stared blankly at the wall in front of him, the last few moments flashing through his head in a cruel cycle. Cas smiling and crying. Cas pushing him to the ground. The empty. Billie. Cas.</p><p>
  <em>Cas. </em>
</p><p>Dean struggled to keep his breath calm and steady. He needed to focus, he needed to plan, because, because he had to get Cas back, because…Cas was gone.</p><p>Dean doubled over as he felt a wave of nausea strike him. He heaved, feeling a thin trickle of bitter acid trickle out. The putrid taste of bile coated his mouth, but he could only sit there, leaning against the brick wall.</p><p>Cas had saved him. Again. But this time, Cas had told him that he loved him.</p><p>On some level, Dean had always felt loved by Cas, had known that as long as he had Cas’ wings shielding him, he was safe. Protected. Saying I love you, however, that was something different. It was an expression of vulnerability, a declaration of fact, a culmination of decades of understanding, it was … Castiel declaring that he loved Dean.</p><p>Dean sucked in a shaky breath. He had been standing around the edges of whatever this was for so long, so afraid of what might happen if he acknowledged this thing between him and Cas, that he had almost begged Cas to stop talking. But now that Cas’ declaration was out there, Dean wasn’t so sure what he was so afraid of.</p><p>“I love you.” He said shakily, testing out how the words sounded.</p><p>The shot of warmth that coursed through his body, this feeling of relief, as if the greatest burden had been lifted ¬– Dean at once understood why this was Cas’ moment of true happiness. It was all so simple, wasn’t it? Cas loved Dean. Dean loved Cas.</p><p>But then, this feeling of joy left as quickly as it came. Because what had Cas said? The one thing I want…is something I know I can’t have. Dean’s brain seemed to work deliberately slowly, protecting himself from reaching the inevitable conclusion. Cas had loved him. Cas didn’t think he could experience true happiness because he couldn’t have Dean. Cas decided his true happiness was just in loving Dean. Cas…Cas died thinking that Dean didn’t love him back.</p><p>Dean felt tears burning in the corner of his eyes. Now that he had reached that conclusion, he couldn’t help but replay it in his head. Cas died thinking Dean didn’t love him back. Cas died thinking Dean didn’t love him back. Cas – Dean was fully crying now, silent tears streaking down his face, dread coiled deep in his stomach.</p><p>Goddammit! Cas was an angel, how could he think that loving someone, especially someone like Dean, was his moment of happiness? Why didn’t he wait for Dean to respond? How could he think that Dean didn’t love him back?</p><p>Because you never told him you loved him, a voice in his head cheerfully reminded him. Dean felt his heart clench even tighter. It was true, wasn’t it? All this time, Dean hadn’t said a word. He alternated between holding Cas tight and pushing him away. Fixing him with longing looks one moment and then barely meeting his eyes in the next second. Treating him like family when it was important and dismissing him when it wasn’t.</p><p>The worst part is, he had reasons. He didn’t want the people close to him to get hurt like they always do. Cas was an angel – he couldn’t experience or understand human love. Dean was attracted to women, not beautiful angels in a male vessel, with dark hair and blue eyes. There was always some new threat that they had to tend to, so he didn’t have time to deal with anything else.</p><p>Well, Dean thought, smiling bitterly, those justifications sounded pretty stupid now. Cas got hurt, time and time again for him. Cas loved him. Dean was, as it turns out, extremely attracted to angels in a male vessel with dark hair and blue eyes named Castiel. And cruelly, Dean didn’t have an endless amount of time and chances with Cas. He had squandered all his chances, sold his star for pennies, and for what?</p><p>Dean’s mind helpfully summarized the situation. Once upon a time, he had an angel that loved him unconditionally, through heaven and hell and everything in between. Then, Dean had pretended, for the better part of a decade, that he wasn’t desperately in love with said angel. Then the angel had sacrificed himself for Dean, again, and died believing that Dean didn’t love him back.</p><p>Dean had plenty of fuckups in his life. This, however, was the most spectacular.</p><p>If this was just heartache, Dean could drink himself into a stupor of self-loathing. But this wasn’t just about him, thought Dean, staggering to his feet as he leaned against the brick wall behind him for support. Cas. He had to go find Cas and bring him back. There was no way Cas was really gone, was there? They had battled heaven and hell and everything in between and come out scathed but <em>alive</em>. This great big thing between them, this story of love, true and simple love, couldn’t just end like this. Dean wouldn’t let it. Dean just had to bring Cas back.</p><p>If anything, the contract was not properly executed. It might have been Cas’ moment of true happiness at the time, but he deserved to be happier. Dean wasn’t sure if he could really bring Cas any happiness, not with his boatload of baggage, but Cas at least deserved to know that he was loved in return. A lot. </p><p>“I’m going to get you back, Cas.” Dean said out loud. “I’m sorry. For everything. I love you. Forever.”</p><p>The words echoed around the empty room and for a second, Dean was tempted to curl back onto the floor in his own pool of vomit and tears. But Dean gritted his teeth. He had an angel to go rescue. His angel.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If 15x18 is what we're given, we might as well milk it dry for angst lads!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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